We met at a NYE party. I know, how original ( it’s not like I go out that much anyway)
he looked incredibly cute and I was completely bored. I walked outside he was there, he looked at me and asked me “why I looked so serious/ sad?” I don’t know if it was what he meant or not and neither did he cause he was drunk as hell. 20 min or so we were kissing. And it fitted. It’s not the first time I write about that, I still don’t know why sometime, it fits so easily with someone and sometime it doesn’t…
Anyway he was funny spontaneous but too drunk so it didn’t go really far that night.
Shortly after that night, he wrote me, I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him again. Very truly I thought he probably doesn’t remember what I look like and it might be disappointed when he sees me back. eventually after a lot of exchanged text messages we saw each other.
The chemistry was there, no doubt about that. But to me it felt really just about sensuality. That night he was ready to walk me home and leave, I couldn’t wait another day to have both of our skin next to each other. It was a great first naked encouter. Shortly after I went away for some vacation and texted him as soon as I got back.
He never played this waiting game, he was always answering right after seeing my texts, he initiated a lot of conversations and later dates. He was very honest and straightforward and this was so refreshing. Plus for a change this is most definitely the nicest and most caring person I’ve dated.
As soon as I got backed we started seeing each other every other day. It was nice. He was constant, he was absolutely utterly cute in every aspect of his personality and I believe we were looking for the same thing in a relationship.
Quickly on I started to notice how similar we were in little details. I found myself pretty often thinking something that he will tell me the minute, hours after I thought about it.
It happened a couple time that I received a text from him that I almost word for words were about to write ( creepy and beautiful at once )
We wanted to travel together, go running together..do all of these couple things that I always wished I could do with my someone.
We shared most of the same life value, education and manners ( mostly).
All of this were wonder except that because of how much we were alike, the conversations didn’t really go that far since we agreed on a lot of things.
But later on I realized that he was exactly like I used to be with my others partner. Utterly truly honest, real, caring, loving, but also very permissive to the point where your self is getting a bit absent. And I couldn’t really blame him for that. I used to be that person, and the only reason why I wasn’t like that with him, isn’t because all of sudden I gain confidence, nop, but only because I’m most of the time acting in contradiction with the person I’m. Not in all aspect but more as follow.
If someone bitch around all the time I’m never gonna complain.
If someone is talking a lot, I’m not gonna talk much
if someone sound very realistic and almost like a dobby downer, I’m gonna be extremely positive close to naive …
And the more I spend time with here, the more I noticed stuff I wasn’t that much fond of the more I realize that all ( or most) of this being ( the one he’s showing to me) is exactly what I,usually, am with my partner and this isn’t really appealing….
Very optimistic, a bit aloof, very permissive, lacking of conversation, caring and loving to the point where it gets too much too soon.
For other reasons I figured we wouldn’t work in the long run so I ended the relationship, tip toeing like an asshole, because well…you read it all, there was so much pros. And now like most of the time I’m thinking I’m probably gonna stay alone for a big while and that there isn’t much luck I will find someone that good. I’m sad to have had to let him go and to have maybe misslead him in someways. But I also fell like I got a glimpse of what it is to date me and it isn’t pretty… and I’m not sure I want to be this person anymore and not sure I want to change and not sure how to.
I believe this lack of character is coming from a lack of confidence and fear of abandon ( at least on my part ) and I’m not sure how to fix that …