Oh yeah come on, laugh i see you but this is a very big issue. not the one you think about though… What happened is I spent the last 3 months spending half of my nights with somebody. somebody i waited so long for .. somebody i had fantasized for months somebody i thought was the one ..i hear you Milenials “the one?” “bahaha” no I know I don’t believe exactly that there is just 1 person meant for you..but anyway not the point here, my point is : i was dedicated for this relationship to work. he embodied s many things i was desesperately looking for in someone, some i didn’t even dare to think about…but on another level choosing him was again(once again) falling into this patern of me getitng attachted to people who don’t want to get attached…
what brought me to this teddy bear situation?
sex ..no i mean not sex sex..but Intimacy, and more precisely here the lack of intimacy… it is a thing to not have physical contact with people (though I used to live in Canada where every body get hugged and I guess I miss that…next time somebody ask me why I want to go back I dare myself to answer “they hug me all the time, it’s fantastic” ). it is a thing to get used to not having physical contact and believe me, I was. Most of my best friends doesn’t live in the same cities, I ve been moving cities pretty much every year or so tis past 7 years so exept a month or two here and there I spent most of these years, single( Yep exhausting) so it’s not like I have a great social group around…also the fact I did this very very bad mistake to spend all my time with that somebody when I got here, instead of trying to create new bound with acquaintance … worse idea eveer.
Anyway returning to my point: I was ok w lack of intimacy. Usually I would cured that by : seeing a friend/ masturbating/ a hook up. Problem here my only friends here are not exactly hugger type. Masturbating..sometime it’s gind sometimes I found mself thinking “nah i want to hug , touch somebody not exactly in the mood for some Rocco Siffredi” . Hook up? haha. I did proccess that me and somebody were not meant for each other but not processed why it felt so natural with him, not processed the fact that I truly miss him, even though i m biaised i probably don’t really miss him.. is it wrong that i probably am in lack of his body, his touch. So no hooking up will means crying my heart out in the arm of a stranger.. the risk of an emotional transfer…the risk of feeling abandon again once this person that i don’t really want, leave.
So I googled ( by this point you might think i m a huge looser, well i won’t disagree) ” what to do when you lack intimacy ” and i found articles about how some way you were educated have created an infinite hole made of ” please love me, hug me, touch me”. Not that new, but still I blinked. I was raised by a single mom, with my two older brothers around. If of course I don’t recall exactly the way I was brought up the only thing i can for sure state is that the relationship i had with my mom was extremely fusional till about 10. My mom got sick when i was 2,3 years old ( don’t cry it’s ok, it’s not the kind of sickness that makes a person dies. more one that take away your mom for surgery and rehabilitation centre a month here and there.. I also always described the way my mom was acting with me as extremely loving then extremely neglecting everytime she had a boyfriend. every time i fell abandon. I don’t know if it was that bad but clearly, that’s how i felt… so here it is some proof of why i m having so much trouble with this lack of touch, intimacy… If I feel that bad right now it s it feels like a drugg withdrawal (and it’s probably very close) having somebody being that close to you..and then after a while when you completely drain yourself, you stop..decide you can even be friend, or at least for now..and this empty space in my bed seems unbearable, this lack of touch makes me feel invisible ..so I dragged from the corner shelf my childhood teddy bear and give him a new spot.. a temporary one..on my bed. And eventually someday it all will be ok